01.13.06
it’s about time i start this shit up right
i’ve been reading, ruminating, and ranting long enough.
what’s come of all this? all this existential crisis-shit i floated through like a hemmoraging adolescent has been leading to a place where i could find the things that create a unifying theme (my own fucking meaning of life) which runs through it all.
and you know that theme. we all know it to the bone marrow, the vagus nerves running through our spinal cords to the dwelling points of light that shoot out when we’re orgasming. sex.
not just fucking, not just making love, not just oral or anal or homosexuality, not just anything that you chain to that word just now– more than that. sex is the animal in us and the god in us– we reach for love while we fuck like dogs. we control humanity when we control sex.
but before all this woozey prose, is the fact that gets me and sticks to me– because i’ve seen it and been a spectator too long, i’ve lived it and killed it, the fact is: we ain’t got it all figured out by a LOOOONG shot and when it comes to sex, we’re actually behind relative to our other advancements.
mostly i believe we’re evolving, you know: slavery and child labor is almost a thing of the past (in the first world countries), rape is actually illegal, the common citizen can vote, hell, even women and black people can vote.
i’d say we’re moving towards something good, something better– where more minds are free to learn because they are not starving or living in ignorant fear; where the general level of intelligence is higher than it’s ever been. it all looks so promising, despite the wars, the ongoing genocides, the violent religious zealots, the corruption of leaders, you know, those things the media feeds on. if it bleeds, well….
i believe that as a whole, humans would rather grow than stay the same, that our very success as a species is pinned to this fact– we are not mere survivors, we are adaptors.
we don’t merely react to the environment, we have the ability to respond in anticipation of the future based on an understanding of the past, and now with the technology present we can even predict a good deal of those changes. between that and language (and tools and johnny depp), we’ve just made the rest of the animal kingdom look pathetic and helpless to the whims of their small brains.
what are you a man or a mouse?
to be a (hu)man is to have a will, to excercise it successfully, and never to freeze in the face of fear, but instead use your ingenuity to overcome whatever you encounter (or die trying). we’re not merely controlled by pre-wired instinctual neurolotgical states.
loud noise for mouse? hide, freeze, run! ooh look cheese!
loud noise for me? oh nick’s playing the drums again. ooh look cheese!
that’s why this brain is so huge, that’s why we’re so helpless as an infant: our brain has loads and loads of data to encode before it can even worry about making sure you can hold your head up, much less walk! (the computer analogy works more soundly than anything to date… but it used to be a steam engine/pressure cooker back in the day o’ freud, so who knows, maybe the dolphins’ll give us a new analogy in 345 years or something.
so that’s the big picture… we’re growing, we need to keep doing so– to deal with the consequences of our past mistakes, miscalculations, and lacking knowledge about the state of reality and our place in it. inherent in our very plastic neurophysiology is the point of our lives– to grow (within our lifetime) beyond what existed in history before you, to defy it and re-write it, and re-interpret it, but never to stay the same.
i’ve decided the point of my life (if i may sound so full of shite but truly earnest in every word of it) is to remind/teach others this– even as i learn myself: learn better ways of teaching, uncover the specific point of injury (which i best understand) where knowledge has grown stagnant and infectious, understand these problems with even more surgical precision, and create methods to heal which best allow us to grow as a species on this planet– and friends, the goal is happiness underneath it all.
the point of all of this: (if you must skip to the end, which i can imagine isn’t hard to do)
in my generation as an american girl, adolescent, young woman, i grew up believing that i could get whatever job i wanted provided i did the work. that much was clear. definitely a step ahead from the years my mother was a girl.
you know what i didn’t learn– coming from one of those middle american homes of conservative thinking, i didn’t learn the first thing about sex. nothing, zip, nada… all i learned i learned in books by judy blume, and despite periods, rhymes about increasing mammary glands, and penises named ralph, none of this really helped much in college when the men started coming out from hiding.
and don’t try to ask me about sex education– because knowing what the uterus looks like and when i ovulate in my cycle might have prevented me from getting pregnant, but it sure didn’t tell me what i want, what to say, what to do when i got into bed with my first boyfriend… it didn’t tell me shit.
i thought oral sex was phone sex.
i thought oral sex was disgusting when i found out what it really was: “but he pees with that! ewwww…”
maybe because i was raised in that deadly-sexual-zone where the word masturbation really did mean “self-pollution”, i found it all the more fascinating. but what i didn’t expect to find was the mind-blowing amount of sexual dysfunction in american women. up to 55% of american women suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction with up to 22% suffering from anorgasmia. good GOD.
men? the numbers can stretch as high as 8% for anorgasmia, and all those poor 60 year-old men with ED? there’s viagra! grrreat– that’s going to make everything better, give boners out right and left while half of the women don’t even WANT sex. good thinking people… a pill will make it ALL better.
please.